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I present the Logans Run/Soylent Green Aged Pension Amendment Act

So once again, a conservative government is on a drive to cut back on welfare payments. You know all those payments to the bludgers and old folk that don’t contribute to society.

Sure, for once any government could go after the tax havens, tax offsets, and massive tax benefits that the rich get. But no, today Abbott ( you may remember him, he won the election in 2013, then promptly went on holiday or hiding, or doing Harold Holt impressions, to be honest no one knows) and his government, specifically Kevin (I like Work Choices) Andrews, decided that the government spend on welfare is getting out of hand.

Sure, there are graphs that show this isn’t happening, but facts have nothing to do with this argument. Did I mention boat people, or the carbon tax. Boat people, boat people, carbon tax, big fat carbon boat tax.

Yet, once again we have a government afraid to make the big decisions.

The fastest growth in government expenditure is the Aged Pension. It may shock you to know that everyone you know will be on the Aged Pension within 70 years. Yes, that is over 23 million Australians on the aged pension* (*I am not that good at mathematics, but then neither is Joe “the numbers are the numbers” Hockey)

So it is time for a radical rethink of how we approach a rapidly aging population.

I propose the LRSG Aged Pension Amendment Act. This is a nice sounding name, which like Green Army or Direct Action, sounds great.

You can ignore that it is short for “Logans Run/Soylent Green Aged Pension Amendment Act”, cause that sounds a bit scary. Especially for those old enough to remember both movies, neither of which films will feature in the new Pyne model education curriculum.

But the LRSG APAA is great for society. Firstly, think of the massive cuts that the Liberals would be able to make to the Aged Pension. No more, gone, finto. Just how much money would that save alone? Now add the extra benefit of all that pesky superannuation sitting in accounts that only accountants can access via “fees” that the Liberals could get their hands on.

Of course there are a lot of other benefits to our society. Firstly, Bob Katter would stop banging on about food security. Well for two reasons; 1: he would be a green biscuit and 2 so would all the other old people. He could be served up guacamole style in his own big hat for extra flair.

Further, with Australia’s obsession with weight loss programs, image a new show: Australia’s Biggest Biscuit. Yummy, I can just taste that pensioner goodness already. Tie in a major supermarket chain for distribution and you have a winning model right there.

Others shows could make a comeback, Iron Chef Australia: Tonight the secret ingredient is pensioner…. bang a gong we are on.

Slideshow could take aging actors, and if they fall off the stage, they fall into a Soylent Green processing machine.

There a lot of other benefits as well. Housing, all those baby boomers soon will be dunked into a morning coffee in what I call the Tim tam grandpa’s gone slam, housing will become a lot more affordable.

Boat people as an issue is also fixed, no not that ones that arrived in 1788, but the recent ones, will be welcome, because in 50 years’ time or so they can also feed a hungry nation.

I still have 30 years or so before I need an exit visa to get me out of this very yummy and profitable dystopian future, but I can only see positives to this plan.

If only this government would take the big decisions.

( I am sure I have missed other benefits to my plan, please add them in the comments )